This Thanksgiving weekend, a time of gratitude, a time with family and friends made me seriously think about relationships. Both in my private practice and in conversations with friends, relationships seem to be a major focus and a main source of both joy and contention. We often struggle with someone because they are not acting in a way that we desire. Our imposition of our desires is what creates the suffering for us. It has nothing to do with who they are or what they do or do not do. Our angst is solely the result of our desire for the person to be different than who they are.
I look at the relationships in my own life and when I have struggled most. My desire for someone to be different, to act in a way that makes it easier for me and makes me feel good is what I want. As if it’s someone else’s job, role, responsibility for me to feel good!!! How does giving someone a job in my relationship with them foster a healthy relationship? It absolutely can’t. If I reflect on my own history, my frustrations in relationship have often come from thinking that people don’t accept me for who I am. That may be true but more importantly is the reality that I don’t accept others for who they are…I want them to be different, sometimes to be more kind, more understanding, more compassionate. Really now!! Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to focus on me being more kind, more understanding, more compassionate, more tolerant and more accepting of who they are? Whether I like it, or understand it is irrelevant. I don’t have to like what someone does but to not accept that they do something, whether I like it or not sets me up to suffer.
We suffer because we wish what is real, what is right in front of us is different than what it is. Wishing something other than reality is painful. It is through this pain that we create our own suffering. Authentic relationships come from accepting one another, seeing one another as perfect in our imperfections…and today that starts with me. As I examine important relationships in my life, to see where I can be totally accepting and let go of what I want to be different in the other person, I invite you to look at a relationship that has created suffering in your life and consider doing the same. I’d love to hear if this exercise took you out of your misery…
some terrific words of wisdom, Lindsay! Also so effective in parenting. A phrase I once read, that has always resonated with me, is that “children are books that should be read, not written”.
I’m grateful for the gentle reminder of that phrase whenever I fall into the trap of pushing too hard with my kids.
Thanks for your comments. I love your phrase about children…it has inspired me to rewrite and post something about raising responsible children. All of our learnings are so transferable, that’s what’s so cool, when we figure out something that works from a place of love it applies everywhere!