My body is physically healing and I am finding strength to get back to routines and feel more “normal”. Historically, it is in those moments when I have had the most energy to write. The reality is that I haven’t written much the last few weeks. Life has taken a different turn for me yet again. I am still dealing with a catheter and infections and my latest prognosis is that this could go on for 6 – 8 months (not that I’ve ever believed a prognosis before, but there was a part of me that wondered what my life would look like if that was true). Only a week earlier, I was hanging on the walls at the rock climbing gym trying to find my strength again. I was devastated when I heard that prognosis, almost flattened…how do I plan for work, travel, rock climbing, life in general with news like that? And then I realized, “there lies my lesson”. I have been the queen of planning! I plan and do, stop to dream a little bit, rest a little bit and back at the planning and doing again. I know where I am going next before my plane even lands from the last trip. Years ago, I even taught the importance of life planning and crisis planning in the community. There is no doubt that planning is important and a lack of planning leaves us in a mode of crisis intervention, caught off guard and at times immobilized. For someone who likes to know and be in control…I opt for the planning strategy. I’m starting to see how out of balance I have been with my life so heavily weighted to the planning side. I can be good at dealing with crisis when I have to but it’s not my preferred way of being. There it is, that surrender piece again. I’ve always been very intuitively aware which has made it easy to take that knowing and then plan for it. Now I’m starting to realize how much of the present moment I miss when I’m busy getting to where I’m going rather than being present in the moment. I would justify my take charge, take action approach to life because it created excitement, anticipation and I loved the energy that brought to my life. I can still do life that way, the same way I can manage a crisis but the pendulum has been swinging too far. Both sides create a need to do and every time I do, I stop being, being in the present moment and ultimately miss my life.
The past few weeks, I’ve been very busy, busy being, busy quietly sitting, observing, breathing, waiting to be inspired by the next moment rather than busy doing. Being present has kept me busy, too busy to write or to do much else. I’m moving slowly now, partly because it hurts with every step I take but more so because I’d rather move slowly, not missing a step, not missing a moment, not missing my life as I’m busy running from one thing to a next. I don’t know if you can consciously move quickly with awareness. I suppose it’s possible but for right now, in order for me to “be” in the moment, practice a state of human being rather than human doing, I need to be slow. Every day is unfolding differently. I have started to resume my life outside of healing again. Socializing, getting out doors, being inspired by food and music, going places and even working are all part of my days now. I’m reluctant to say, “I’m back to work” or “I’m back at the gym” because I’m not back doing it the way I was at all. It may look the same to others, or maybe not, but the reality is that I know I am being in my life in a very different way, a way that is inspiring me and stimulating me like I never dreamed possible. I live with excitement and anticipation of not what I’m going to do today but rather the unfolding of who I am. I trust the catheter is helping me be there, move slowly, establish a new habit and it will be with me until I no longer need the support it offers. I’m reminded, once again, that everything, whether we like it or not, is our gift to unfold who we are in this lifetime.
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