What a ride this healing journey has been! The roller coaster that has steep inclines and unpredictable declines has started to have some sharp turns left to right. It really is the journey of life, all of our lives. How tight I hung on at first, afraid to open my eyes, afraid to let go, resistant to the road ahead, the pain, the unconsciousness and all it represents. Waking up to my fear or letting go, to absolute surrender, I started to throw my hands up and trust the ride and trust that there was nothing that I needed to do. For someone who likes to be in control, that was a huge challenge. I can see now how my tight grip had limited me, kept me unconscious and slowed down my journey. How we miss what is important when we are not awake.
In my unconsciousness and my resistance for 26 days I neglected to notice I was allergic to the latex catheter. “How could I have not known?” I ask myself now. This is the power of pain, of fear, of resistance. how many times do we all say: “I don’t know” or ” I didn’t know” as if that is an acceptable excuse. It is our responsibility to know and if we don’t know, I mean, we really don’t know, isn’t it our responsibility to ask ourselves, “what is it that I am so afraid of?” or “why am I in so much pain that I don’t know?” Eventually we know, we know all that is important to our life…thats the journey, why we are here. How resistant we are to all of it is our decision. There is no pace at which we need to wake up, no right or wrong way of doing it. We are resistant and rebellious by nature. That’s a great skill and quality to have or else nothing would ever change in our world, our lives. Be careful that you aren’t resistant to your own journey, the one we are all so carefully carving out for ourselves. Accept what creates pain and fear and learn to surrender to it. In doing so, you create freedom beyond your wildest imagination to live your own life!
I still have a catheter and am on antibiotics again or should I say still? My energy is going towards healing rather than resisting and as a result I have been up and about the past few days. Today I will relish in the freedom of driving myself to an appointment, moving slowly, noticing more…oh there is so much more to wake up to…with no expectations of what may be ahead. The only thing I need to do is continue to surrender, for what lies ahead holds miracles beyond what my limited mind can even imagine.
I invite you to join me today and let go, feel the fear of the ups and downs and notice the desire to take control, enjoy the twists and turns, being bashed from side to side, knowing that this, too, will not last and watch where the ride takes you.
I am feeling like I am coming in on the final stretch of this one and the beauty and joy that has soothed the fear and pain makes me want to do it all over again…looking forward to the home stretch in what ever form it comes and anxious to wander slowly through the park to see what ride calls to me next. I promise to get on that one with less resistance and surrender that which Is not mine to control from the very beginning…I’m sure that will make it more joyful from the start. It really is a waste of time being caught in pain, resistance and fear when we have a beautiful life to live! A good friend asked me years ago, “Lindsay, do you think pleasure seeking is a spiritual discipline?” Today, I answer, “Yes! Yes! Yes! …why else would we be here, experiencing all of this if not to find pleasure in all?” I make it my daily practice to find joy in all that I do, all that I am, all that I experience, even when I don’t like it very much…Wishing you a joy filled ride today!